


Breathing Is A Luxury

by DefaltManifesto



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grieving, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Isaac is 17, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-07
Updated: 2014-04-07
Packaged: 2018-01-18 11:24:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1426702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DefaltManifesto/pseuds/DefaltManifesto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Isaac is used to grief. So why won't it stop hurting?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Breathing Is A Luxury

**Author's Note:**

> The Chrisaac tag needed more love. Title taken from the song Mother Murder by Hollywood Undead. Let me know if you think the fic needs more tags.

Isaac didn't like being needy. He didn't like being the sad, desperate kid, straining for any touch, any show of love; he didn't like being a stereotype of the poor abused kid starving for affection.

But just because he didn't like it didn't mean that wasn't exactly what he was.

As the hell of their junior year bled into summer, he felt the neediness grow. He tried to go to Scott, but ever since Allison's death, it felt wrong. After all, he loved Allison, but he felt unworthy, like he shouldn't be grieving when Scott loved her so intensely. Scott had more of a right to grieve, and Isaac was supposed to be the one to comfort him, but he couldn't. Not when he was so disgusted with his own sadness.  

Of course, that didn't mean living with Chris was easier. After all, if anyone had a reason to grieve, it was him, but maybe that was why Isaac felt better there. Chris didn't want Isaac's comfort the way Isaac felt Scott did.

Isaac hung in the background like a shadow, raiding the kitchen in the middle of the night and only spending time in Chris' presence when neither of them were willing to leave the living room. Part way through June, Chris left a stack of papers on the counter next to the fridge, informing Isaac that Chris Argent had officially adopted him.

He figured he was supposed to be angry that the man didn't even ask, but Isaac wasn't sure it was even a question. He had nowhere to go. Derek was entirely out of the picture still, and Scott...

Isaac ignored the way the papers made him feel a bit like he was starting to belong.

 

-.-

 

"Full moon's tonight."

Isaac didn't look up from his book. "Yeah."

"What are you going to do?"

Isaac didn't respond.

 

-.-

 

Isaac spent the full moon crying in Allison's room. Her scent was fading from the sheets. He wished there was a way to make it stay but he knew from experience that it was just dumb, wishful thinking. The jacket Erica had always stolen from him no longer smelled of her perfume, and the shirts that Isaac routinely stole from Boyd no longer held his scent either.

He clung to Allison's sheets and pretended that if he held on tight enough, she wouldn't fade away.

 

-.-

 

Chris found him the next morning. Isaac was dimly aware of being picked up, enough that he wondered for a brief moment how Chris was actually able to manage his long limbs, but then he was slipping back into the darkness of his grief and pain.

 

-.-

 

Two days later, Chris insisted he eat dinner with him. Isaac hovered by the doorway to the dining room table, gnawing his lip as Chris laid out the food. When he sat down at the other end of the table, he kept his shoulders hunched, waiting for something to happen. Waiting for Chris to yell. After all, the man was grieving. Isaac knew what happened to men who lost their sons, their daughters.

He looked across the table at Chris.

"Would it help to hit me?" The words came out in a choked whisper.

Chris looked up, eyes wide. "Isaac, why would you-"

"Sorry."

Isaac fled from the room and ignored the way his stomach growled in protest.

 

-.-

 

One night, some days later, Chris found him in the kitchen. Isaac shuffled away from him, popping a few carrots in his mouth as he folded himself into the corner between the wall and fridge.

Chris sighed and grabbed Isaac's wrist. Relief flooded through Isaac. Finally. Something he was used to. He waited eagerly for the blow he knew he deserved, and then flinched as Chris wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug. Isaac dropped the bag of carrots in his shock. Chris held him for a long time and Isaac let out a harsh breath, almost like a whine.

Isaac jerked away. "I don't-"

"Sorry," Chris said.

Isaac paused and then pushed closer again, his desire for contact winning over his desire to be strong. He tried not to think too hard about the comfort Chris' touch brought him.  

 

-.-

 

"You want me to leave."

"No, I didn't say that. Jesus, Isaac, I wouldn't have adopted you if I wanted you to leave," Chris said.

Isaac flinched when Chris' voice raised, hand tightening around the fork and forcing it to bend. He shouldn't have tried to eat dinner with the older man. Dinner always went poorly in his life. It was the time people were encouraged to talk, and talking always led to fighting.

"I just want you to spend time with your pack," Chris continued, voice quieter. "You need them."

"Yeah...is that what you think?" Isaac set the fork down and looked up. "Well you're wrong."

"Isaac, I _know_ werewolves-"

"No you don't, you hunt them!" Isaac jerked to his feet, kicking at the chair as he began to pace. "You don't know a god damn thing about me, or what I need!"

Chris seemed entirely unfazed by Isaac's outburst, only pushing his food away and leaning back in his chair. "Then tell me."

Isaac stared at him, incredulous. "I don't know. All I know is what I don't need. I don't need you pretending you know how to deal with me. I don't need a pack. I don't need the guilt for every moment of pain I feel when I think of Allison. I don't need to be friends with people I know I'm doomed to lose."

Isaac took a deep, shuddering breath and slumped back against the wall, sliding down it to sit on the floor. He could feel tears threatening and he tugged hard on his hair, trying to root himself to the small spark of pain.

"You know...Cora once said losing a pack member is like losing a limb," Isaac said, words barely above a whisper. "I thought I knew what that was like. I mean, I lost my mom and then Camden and my dad."

Chris stood, walking around the table before crouching in front of Isaac. "I understand that."

Isaac couldn't bring himself to look at Chris, keeping his gaze fixed on the ground. "No, you don't. Losing Erica, and Boyd, and Allison...it's way worse than losing anyone else. I feel empty. And then I feel guilty because she's _your_ daughter and Scott's loved her forever but I just can't stop..."

"Stop what?"

"The feeling that I'm better off dead. This isn't living. Whatever _this_ even is," Isaac said, waving a hand dismissively. "My life has just been one disappointment after the other. There's not a damn thing I can contribute to the world. I'm a shitty werewolf. Couldn't save anyone, not even myself."

"Isaac-"

"Your daughter _died_ trying to save me!" Isaac finally looked up at Chris, the tears spilling over. "Doesn't that make you angry? If you want revenge, I'm the one you should try to hurt! I don't deserve your kindness o-o-or your comfort. You should just fucking kill me already!"

Chris seemed stunned, eyes wide, and for one brief, wonderful moment, Isaac thought he would do it. Isaac closed his eyes, but then Chris was jerking him forward in a hug. Isaac froze, eyes opening in confusion. His arms hung uselessly at his sides, unsure of how to react.

"I'm not going to hurt you Isaac," Chris said. "You don't deserve to die. You don't deserve to live any less than anyone else."

"How can you say that?" Isaac whispered.

Chris pulled back, squeezing Isaac's shoulders. "I want Allison back, and my wife, and my sister. But I'm not going to say I would let you die if it meant Allison could live. That kind of thinking doesn't lead anywhere good."

"You would though. If killing me brought Allison back, you would do it. I'm not stupid," Isaac said.

"Probably. But you're alive, Isaac. I'm not ever going to let you throw that away," Chris said.

"I can't do this anymore. It hurts too much," Isaac said, his gaze dropping to the ground once more. "You can't ask me to stay."

"You might feel alone right now, but I swear you're not. You've got Scott and you've got me," Chris said. "You just got to let us help you."

"How long before you die though?" Isaac asked.

"You know I can't answer that," Chris said.

"I know. That's the problem."

 

-.-

 

Two days later, Scott and Lydia showed up. They dragged Isaac out to the Hale house where a construction crew was slowly tearing it down under Derek's watchful eye. Isaac hung back as Scott and Lydia stood beside Derek. He could hear the low murmur of their voices, but couldn't make out the words over the loud roar of the machines.

It was still weird seeing Derek as a beta. Part of Isaac still had the urge to curl up to him or ask for an order, but the wolf inside him saw Derek only as an equal. It was all very conflicting and Isaac couldn't stop himself from fidgeting. Derek glanced over his shoulder and then took a few steps back to stand beside Isaac.

"Staying with Argent now?" Derek asked.

"Uh yeah," Isaac said. "Sorry."

"No. He's a good man," Derek said. "He'll take care of you better than I could."

"Is this a polite way of saying you don't want me around?" Isaac asked.

"No, dumbass. I wouldn't have asked Scott and Lydia to bring you here if I didn't want you around," Derek said. "You're pack. Even if you won't let us help you."

"What even is this?" Isaac asked.

"Starting over," Derek said. "Tearing it down and building it back up. Figure then maybe I can start making it a home again."

"I...won't come live with you," Isaac said.

"I know," Derek said. "That's not what this is about. I just want you to know that...we're all going to be here for you."

"Shouldn't I be the one being there for you guys?" Isaac asked, shuffling his feet and jamming his hands in his pockets.

"Scott's got Kira. And me. Frankly, we've all got each other. We're just waiting for you."

"I'm not ready..." Isaac said. "I..."

"I get it." Derek wasn't looking at him any longer, gaze fixed on the burned out wreckage of his home. "I do, Isaac. Take your time."

Isaac stepped back away from him. "I'm going back home."

Derek chuckled but it wasn't until he was halfway back to the Argent's that Isaac realized why. Chris' home was starting to become his.

 

-.-

 

The next full moon, Isaac was lured out of his bedroom by the scent of popcorn. Out in the living room, Chris was watching The Amazing Spider-man, three bowls of popcorn sitting on the coffee table. Isaac rubbed the back of his neck, slinking over and curling up on one edge of the couch.

"This isn't the least bit subtle," Isaac said.

"Your collection of Spider-man comics isn't subtle either," Chris said. He grabbed a bowl of popcorn and placed it in Isaac's lap. "Figured I could draw you out somehow with it."

"You really wanna watch a superhero movie with me?" Isaac asked, shoving a handful of popcorn into his mouth.

"I just don't want you to be alone," Chris said. "Now explain to me what I need to know."   

"It's the origin story, it explains itself," Isaac said.

"Yeah well I wasn't paying attention. I'll start it over."

As the movie played on, Isaac devoured the bowls of popcorn before curling up into Chris' side. The itch under his skin was soothed by Chris' mere physical presence. Every once in awhile, Isaac would snatch the remote from him and pause it so he could explain why something wasn't quite right, or why that definitely wasn't how Gwen was supposed to dress, or why he liked Flash so much.

He fell asleep on Chris' chest as the credits began to roll, stomach full and mind humming with muzzy contentment.

He woke up the next morning covered in blankets with a cup off coffee waiting on the table.

 

-.-

 

It became a thing, after that; late night television with a heavy dose of cuddling. Isaac thought it would be weird, but he found the more he hung close and took comfort in the warmth of Chris' body, the more he could feel himself settling in. The world stopped feeling so raw, and lonely, and painful. It reminded him a lot of when Erica had been bitten, and finally, Isaac had a friend, someone to hold, to be held by, to share thoughts with.

Isaac still wasn't any good at sharing his feelings though. Chris caught him crying on numerous occasions, sure, but neither of them actually talked about it.

The nightmares were the worst. Isaac knew better than to think they would stop. He found though, that it was easier to fall back asleep in the same bed as Chris. A warm body, even if he wasn't entangled with it the way he would be with Erica or Boyd, went a long way in soothing his mind.

 

-.-

 

It happened on accident. Isaac woke from a pleasant dream, surrounded in warmth, safe and content with his brain still hazy from his dreams. He nuzzled Allison's neck and pressed a soft kiss there, but a moment later, his senses caught up with the res of his brain and as Chris shifted away, the horror of what he'd done washed over him.

He flailed his way out of the bed, hand running through his hair as he tried to compose himself. "I uh, uh, sorry-"

"It's fine," Chris mumbled, yawning as he turned onto his side, back to Isaac. "Go back to sleep."

Isaac stared at him, eyes flicking up the window where the pale grey light of dawn was beginning to seep through the windows. After a moment, he crawled back into bed, keeping his back to Chris. His heart still rabbited hard, trying to beat its way out of his chest, and then Chris was pressing up against his back, arm slinging over his waist.

Unable to help himself, Isaac sank back into the comforting weight. Sleep pulled him back under not long after.

 

-.-

 

"What are we doing?" Isaac asked.

Chris took Isaac's dinner plate from him. "What do you mean?"

"I mean I sleep in your bed every night and we always...cuddle and I don't know what you want from me," Isaac said.

Chris' expression was unreadable. "I don't want anything from you Isaac. I'm not going to hurt you. You don't have to pay me back for anything."

Isaac gnawed his bottom lip, but didn't protest further.

 

-.-

 

That night, Isaac took a chance. He'd stopped even trying to go to sleep in his own room quite some time ago, so he crawled into bed that night beside Chris. Chris leaned over to turn the lamplight out, and as he rolled back onto the bed, Isaac moved forward and pressed their lips together.

The kiss was dry, and Chris didn't make a move against him. Isaac pressed their lips together harder, wanting some sort of reaction out of him. Any reaction.

Chris' hand came up to cup the back of his head before dropping to the back of his neck and with a light squeeze, tugging Isaac away. Isaac stared at him, werewolf eyes able to drink in the sight of Chris' worried expression even in the deep darkness of the room.

"Go to sleep Isaac."

"You don't want me?" Isaac whispered.

"Of course I want you. But this is something else."

"I need this. I need to feel something. Someone."

Chris drew him close, tucking Isaac's face against his neck, and didn't say another word.

 

-.-

 

It wasn't until a few days later that Isaac got the courage up to try again. Chris had been slicing up ham in the kitchen and Isaac slid in next to him, snatching up a piece of meat and popping it into his mouth.

"So we should probably talk," Isaac said.

"Probably. Day can make things a bit clearer," Chris said.

"Still doesn't change what I want," Isaac said.

"Oh?" Chris made to say something else, but then hissed as he sliced the edge of his finger with the knife.

Isaac grabbed his wrist before he could move, drawing out the pain and grabbing a paper towel to dab at the thin cut. Chris was silent as he inspected it and then pressed a soft kiss to it. There was a brief moment where Isaac thought Chris was going to jerk away and demand that he go do something else, just anything to get out of the kitchen.

But then Chris' hand was wrapping around the back of his neck and he was being tugged forward into a harsh kiss. Chris' nipped and sucked at Isaac's lower lip until it was wet and swollen, aching for a brief moment before healing over. Isaac licked at his lips before pressing their lips together again, longer fingers fluttering down Chris' sides, unsure of where to settle.

Chris made up his mind for him, shoving Isaac back against the counter before urging him to sit up on top of it. Isaac's hands instinctively went to his shoulders and he curled his neck down so they could keep their lips pressed tight together. The counter put Isaac's crotch up against Chris' stomach and he snuck in closer, grinding against the unforgiving firmness of the man's abs.

"Shit," Chris breathed out against Isaac's lips.

"C'mon, I know what I'm doing," Isaac said. "Want you. Want this. Need it."

"Shh, I know, I got you," Chris murmured.

He slid his hands around Isaac's back, trailing under the hem of his shirt to poke and prod at the knobs of his spine. Isaac sought his lips out desperately once more, grinding up into Chris' stomach as the taste of the older man exploded across his tongue. Chris murmured another curse into his mouth before sliding his hands down to Isaac's thighs and pulling him snug.

Isaac wrapped his legs around Chris lower back, lips falling to Chris' jaw as the older man unbuckled his belt and then undid his button and shoved the zipper down. Shuddering, Isaac arched back, a desperate little groan escaping his lips as Chris palmed him through his boxers. Chris seized the opportunity to bite small marks up the side of Isaac's throats, marks that disappeared as quickly as they appeared, but marks nonetheless.

"Wish they'd stay," Isaac breathed, glancing shyly at Chris and biting his lip when the man eased him out of his boxers to give his cock one, dry stroke.

"You could always get a tattoo," Chris said, smirking.

"Yeah, I'll tattoo your initials across my ass, how 'bout that?" Isaac grinned, but before he could say anything else, Chris pinched the tip of his dick and his half formed words turned to a moan.

It was embarrassingly quick after that, only taking a few rough strokes and harsh bites along the column of his throat to make Isaac come. His hips spasmed and jerked as he fucked himself up into the tight circle of Chris' fist, choking on the man's name as he came. A soft whimper escaped him as he curled into Chris' sturdy form, all the tension bleeding out of his limbs.

Slick fingers rose up to his lips and Isaac curled his tongue around them, licking his come off them in a daze. His eyes met Chris as he cleaned each finger and his gut coiled at the dark, possessive look in the older man's eyes. He pulled his mouth away from Chris' long fingers and licked his lips, smirking at the way the action made Chris' eyes almost spark.

"I'm totally on board with this still," Isaac said lowly. "In case you were wondering.

"I think you've made that pretty clear," Chris said.

Isaac nudged Chris back a few steps before tucking himself completely away and zipping up his pants. "How 'bout I help you with your own little problem?"

Chris crooked an eyebrow. "By all means."

Isaac grinned and dropped to his knees.

-.-

 

"So. Chris Argent."

Isaac glanced across the newly restored living room of Derek's house. Derek was stretched out in a recliner he had spent way too much time picking out. It was still pretty weird to see Derek actually relaxed and not looking like he was moments from bursting out in anger.

"Thought we established I was living with him already," Isaac said, drawing his legs up to his chest.

Derek gave him a pointed look. "Really?"

"I can make my own choices," Isaac said, the words grinding out between clenched teeth. "I'm not a kid anymore. I haven't been for a long time."

"I know that. I just don't want you making the same mistake I did," Derek said.

"Chris isn't a psycho like Kate was. And he loves me."

Derek raised his eyebrows. "He said that?"

Isaac shrugged. "Not in words. But I know what love _isn't_ , so yeah, I think I get to say he loves me."

"Do you love him?"

Isaac glanced away, staring at the TV instead. "Yeah. I do."

"Love doesn't make the pain stop Isaac, no matter how hard you try to drown yourself in it," Derek said.

"I'm not a total idiot. I have enough nightmares to remind me of that," Isaac said, a bitter laugh escaping him before he could stop it. "But he makes it easier, so I'll take it."

They fell into a comfortable silence after that. Another hour of shitty TV passed them by before Derek took a deep breath and finally spoke again.

"Do you regret it? What I did to you, and Erica, and Boyd?" Derek asked.

"No. I've lost most my friends and basically everyone I've ever loved but...no. I'm in a better place now, I think, even if I still wake up wanting to die some days," Isaac said. "At least...I have people to help me. I never had that before."

Derek gave a slow nod. "Yeah. You do. We both do."

Isaac settled back into his seat, letting a smile creep across his lips as his chest warmed with contentment. It was far from perfect, but Isaac supposed the life he'd made for himself was good enough.


End file.
